Disco Master Matsuda
by Sashocirrione
Summary: Light learns about a new deal he can make with Ryuk, one with a very small price. With it, he could get L's real name. And what does L's dick have to do with all this? Silliness. Slight LxLight. Also LightxMisa and LxKyoko, a canon very minor character.
1. Chapter 1

**Title: **"Disco Master Matsuda"

**Author: **Sashocirrione

**Spoilers: **Spoilers for everything up to the point just before the "imprisonment" stuff happens.

**Warnings: **Rated M for violence and sexual stuff, mostly late in the fic. Attempted sexualized violence.

**Summary: **Light learns about a new deal he can make with Ryuk, one with a very small price. With it, he could get L's real name. And, what does this have to do with L's dick? Silliness.

**Pairings: **Slight LxLight and LightxMisa, also a major LxKyoko (a canon minor character most people forget). If you are deliberately looking for hard-core smut, you'll probably be disappointed unless you're interested in LxKyoko. But if you are looking for sexual humor...

**Additional Notes: **All canon events previous to this have occurred as normal.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Death Note, and I do not make any money from these writings.

* * *

**CHAPTER 1**

As Light was walking home late one night, Ryuk suddenly said, "I lied to you earlier, Light. There is another deal I didn't tell you about yet."

"What?"

"Well, I was hoping you'd trade half your life to me, but now I'm completely convinced you never will, so I've got nothing to lose if I tell you about bargain shinigami eyes."

"Ryuk," Light said in a sinister voice, "you should have told me earlier. Is there anything else you're holding back?"

"Nope."

"You sure?"

"Maybe, maybe not."

Light sighed. "Tell me about these bargain shinigami eyes."

Ryuk folded in his wings and settled to the ground, standing in front of Light. He said, "Bargain shinigami eyes are a kind of discount. Well, actually, even the sort of shinigami eyes you trade half your life for are bargain shinigami eyes, in a way. Because, real shinigami will always be able to see more than humans who make any kind of deal. We always give humans a scaled-down version of our own vision, it's just a matter of how scaled down. If you pay less, you get lower quality."

"Like, what are the differences?"

"Well," Ryuk said, reaching out one monstrous hand to grasp the pinky finger on Light's left hand, "no human will ever be able to see this, no matter how high a price they pay, but since I'm a shinigami, I can tell this finger is named Arnold."

Light laughed. "You're shitting me. That finger is named... Arnold? That's completely stupid. And, it isn't even Japanese. Wouldn't my finger at least have a Japanese name?"

Ryuk crouched down, so his face was on the same level as Light's face, and he said, "Do you want to test it by visualizing the finger while writing down 'Arnold' in your death note? You'll lose the finger for sure."

Light shivered. Ryuk had to be joking... but, Light knew better than to test anything dangerous on himself. Besides, he was vain about his appearance.. he wouldn't want to run around with a missing finger. No way.

Light said, "Tell me about this payment scale."

"It's not a scale. There are only two versions. The kind you pay half your life for and the discount kind. Nothing in between."

"Ryuk, will I be able to see L's name with the bargain eyes?"

Ryuk rubbed his chin. "Maybe. The results are variable."

"How variable?"

Ryuk smiled, showing his rows of sharp teeth. "Buyer beware. You get whatever happens."

Light asked, "And the price?"

"Oh," Ryuk said, "I think Arnold will do just fine. Unless you'd rather lose a foot or something?"

"Is there anything smaller than a finger I could lose? Like, maybe a toe?"

"Nope, don't be stupid. Toes don't have names. So, do we have a deal?"

Light nodded. One finger was a small price to pay for the possibility of getting L's real name.

Ryuk took out his death note and let Light watch as he wrote down "Arnold."

Ryuk smirked. Momentarily, Light thought that perhaps all this was an elaborate joke Ryuk was playing on him. Then, at the end of the 40-second countdown, he felt an intense pain in his left hand and looked down to see his pinky finger neatly separating itself. He screamed as blood gushed from the wound. The finger fell to the ground and curled up, turning into a kind of sandy ash.

Light clutched his bleeding wound and rushed home. He glanced around him as he ran, but nobody was out at this time. He couldn't test his new eyes yet.

When Light's mother opened the door, her eyes were completely glued to his injury, but Light's eyes were glued to the space above her head. There was no lifespan floating there, but he saw "Sachiko Yagami" quite clearly. He smiled as his mother bandaged the wound and questioned him about how it happened and whether there was any chance of finding the severed finger to sew it back on. Light made up a plausible story, barely able to contain his delight.

Then Sayu walked in, and Light saw she had "Sayu" above her head. Just "Sayu." Light frowned. Missing lifespans were not a problem, but he needed an entire name to kill L. What would be floating above L's head? A partial name, or a whole name?

Sayu and Sachiko fussed over him endlessly. It seemed they just wouldn't shut up. How excited did they need to get over a little finger? Finally, Light announced he was woozy and that he needed to go to bed. Tomorrow, he'd either have L's name or he'd be closer to the truth. In any case, he'd be able to get the names of some people who had eluded him so far. It had been a good deal.

The next morning, Light received a surprise at breakfast when he opened the refrigerator and saw that most of the food items had numbers floating above them. Unsettled, he grabbed one that didn't, a carton of milk, and took a gulp. He choked and immediately spit it on the floor. It had gone rotten. The numbers must mean how much lifespan the food had. It would be in shinigami time, so Light would need to learn how to do the calculations. It would be simple, but he wondered if it was even worth learning. It didn't matter how long food would last. Light never did the shopping. He just needed to avoid food with no numbers.

On his way to classes, Light looked at everybody and noted the names floating above their heads. It seemed that about half of them had only part of the name instead of the entire name. So, a fifty percent chance of being able to kill L. That was actually pretty good. Light was surprised at a few of the names he saw. Some people had incredibly odd names. And, he also realized animals had names he could see when a few birds flew past during Light's journey, and he noticed that all of them were named "Bird." That made sense. Animals had simple minds.

Light felt his heart beating faster as he approached his first class. L had all the same classes as him, but L skipped a lot, especially lately. Would L be there? Light's breathing hitched as he entered the lecture hall and saw the back of L's head in the crowd of students in front of him. Light rushed forward, following the mop of messy black hair as L made his way to an empty seat. Light tried to control himself. It was all he could do to avoid breaking out into insane laughter. He forced his face into a neutral expression.

Then, L glanced back at him. Light looked above L's head, and saw, "Hideki Ryuga."

Light was stunned, and he couldn't keep a smile off his face. He'd had the right name all along. He never imagined that freak really would have the same name as a famous pop idol. He'd been certain it was a fake. Why had L used his real name? It must be because L was certain Light couldn't kill him because of that whole if-I-die-everyone-will-know-you're-Kira thing.

Well, L was wrong, because Light was smart enough to kill L in such a way that nobody would be able to figure out it was Kira. He had the perfect plan in mind already. Light could hardly wait to start his plan. But, as soon as Light sat down, L immediately noticed Light's missing finger, and Light had to tell him the same excuse he'd told his mother. L's dark eyes were boring into him the entire time he talked, looking skeptical.

Right after class, Light ditched L, hid in a bathroom, and got out the death note paper from his wallet.

Trying to keep the pop idol's face out of his mind, he wrote:

_**Hideki Ryuga suicide**_

_**As soon as possible, announces on television that he is giving up the Kira investigation and will go into hiding again.**_

_**Actually does give up the Kira investigation.**_

_**Uses the utmost of his intelligence to hide himself and then kill himself in such a way that nobody should realize he's dead until years later, if ever.**_

Laughing, Light flushed the scrap of paper down the toilet. Now, he just needed to wait.

When Light emerged from the bathroom, L was waiting there. He said, "You look odd. Are you okay?"

Ryuk started laughing like crazy.

Light said, "I'm fine. I guess I'm still a bit nervous because I'm really thinking about joining the investigation. Is your offer still open? Could I come to investigation headquarters today?"

L placed a finger against his lower lip and said, "I'm still thinking about what to do about that. I'll decide, and possibly you can come in tomorrow."

Ryuk said, "I'll tell you one more thing, Light. L's right ear is named 'Susan' and his left ear is named 'Mister Snugglemuffins'."

Light smiled but he didn't reply. As tantalizing as the thought of de-earing L was, he really just needed to let his killing plan unfold without any complications.

The rest of the day, Light was in a giddy haze. It was so wonderful! He'd finally won, for nothing other than the price of a little finger. When he got home, he barely noticed that Sayu was watching her favorite pop star, Hideki Ryuga, on television. But, then, a snatch of the dialogue burned itself into his brain.

Hideki Ryuga said, "Since this is a live show, I want to announce to all my fans that I'm giving up the Kira investigation."

The interviewer sputtered and said, "What?"

Light's hand began shaking just slightly and Ryuk went into uproarious laughter. Sayu's mouth had completely fallen open and she was looking at the screen in shock.

Hideki Ryuga continued, "I will be going into hiding so Kira can't find me. I need to start immediately, so this interview is over now."

Sayu said, "Light! Can you believe that? Hideki Ryuga was searching for Kira? And, how does he think hiding will help since Kira can kill with a face and a name? It doesn't make sense."

Light couldn't believe it. He rushed up to his room to think. Ryuk followed, laughing all the way.

Had he visualized Hideki Ryuga's face while writing the name? Light thought he had for maybe a split second, but he'd visualized L's face much longer. Well, you couldn't kill the same person twice with the death note. He'd just do it again, and this time it would stick to L for sure since the death note could no longer affect Hideki Ryuga.

Light whipped out his death note, and wrote down exactly the same details of death as before. Now, L would die in the right way and nobody else would be smart enough to find Kira.

The next morning, Light checked the morning paper for any news of L. There was none. He hadn't made his announcement yet. However, there was news of Hideki Ryuga. He'd committed suicide in his biggest walk-in closet after hiding himself under a large pile of boxes. That idiot. When L died, he'd use a genius plan so that nobody would think he was even dead. If nobody realized L was dead, nobody could ever blame Kira for it.

Light received a call before he finished with breakfast. It was from L, asking him to come to the investigation center. He probably wanted to announce in front of everyone involved that he was giving up the investigation before he did it on television. It only made sense to do it that way, rather than the other way around.

When Light was traveling over there, he happened to see someone walking a dog named "Human." He snickered when he saw it. Some people had no sense in naming their pets.

When Light got to the investigation center, which was a suite in a luxury hotel, he couldn't help but gasp in surprise when L answered the door and he saw L's name. It wasn't Hideki Ryuga now; it was just the single letter "L" floating above L's head.

L said, "It is surprising, I guess, if you haven't seen suites this luxurious before."

Light got himself under control and followed L inside. What had happened? Did L get suspicious and legally change his name? But, if so, then "L" had to be just part of his real name. There was no way that could be the whole name. Still, Light decided to try it as soon as he got away. Some nations had very few requirements for what was allowed as a legal name.

L brought Light further into the suite, where Light's father and the rest of the investigation team members were waiting. L introduced them all with names he said were fake. Light examined the names floating above their heads. Some were partial names, some full names, but one stood out. It was above a young man who had been introduced as "Touta Matsui" but Light knew his real name since his father had brought him home a few times. Light remembered him as "Touta Matsuda."

But, Matsuda's name was apparently "Disco Master" instead of "Touta Matsuda." Had he really changed it to something so silly? Well, from what Light remembered, the guy was pretty goofy.

To test it, Light said, "Matsui, I remember you. You're Matsuda, right?"

Matsuda said, "Yes."

Could the bargain shinigami eyes show the wrong names? But, then, if L had changed his name to better hide himself from Kira, perhaps Matsuda had too. Light couldn't just ask Matsuda if he'd changed his name lately. That would be too suspicious, especially while L was around.

With the introductions done, L explained that there was someone still hidden called "Watari" who would make sure Light was arrested as Kira if every investigator died. That would make it safe to be around Light.

Light wanted to laugh. He had no interest in killing these buffoons as long as L died. And, L was smart enough to hide his death from Watari. L began distributing folders of information about Hideki Ryuga's death.

_Damn! L moves too fast and notices everything. I need to dispose of him quickly._

L said, "What we are seeing is the first case of Kira's power accidentally targeting the wrong person, in a situation where Kira had two faces and one name that was linked to both faces. We don't know how Kira's power works, but when we see a misfire, it gives us clues. Why would Kira try to get Hideki Ryuga to give up the Kira investigation? This only makes sense if Kira thought L was named Hideki Ryuga. Unless there has been a serious leak, nobody should think that except the people in this room. In fact, nobody here except Light should think that, since I already told the rest it's a fake name."

Light said, "If I'm Kira, then I would have to be pretty stupid. I mean, it's an obvious alias. Besides, if I thought that 'Hideki Ryuga' is your real name, then why did I wait so long to do this? And, I thought Kira was only supposed to kill using heart attacks."

L took a sip of his coffee, made a face, and dropped a few more sugar cubes in. He replied, "That's true. This event doesn't prove anything; it just puts you under a lot more suspicion. Light, what do you deduce about this development?"

Light thought fast. "If this isn't just a weird coincidence, then Kira is, or has access to, someone who knows you as Hideki Ryuga at my university. However, that person would also need to suspect you are L. We've had a few conversations about you being L that may have been overheard. We probably weren't far enough from bystanders. Any of those people could have spread the rumor once one person heard it. Perhaps it's been traveling from person to person in a long chain of gossip and it just now reached Kira."

"That is plausible," L replied, "and I was already thinking along similar lines. The best way to trap Kira, then, would be to attempt to trace the leak. Light and myself are already in a perfect position to investigate. We should continue as if..."

Just then, L's cellphone rang. He pulled it delicately from his pocket with two fingers and answered. At that exact moment, the name above L's head changed from "L" to "Eraldo Coil."

That name sounded familiar. Light thought, tried to remember, as L talked with whoever it was in short, vague phrases holding almost no information.

_Wait! That's the second greatest detective in the world. Does that mean L is him too? Or, do these stupid bargain shinigami eyes apply names haphazardly? One great detective is much the same as another. Maybe these eyes would show Eraldo Coil to have L's real name._

L got off the phone, and instantly, his name returned to "L" once more. He said, "As I was saying, Light and myself are already posing as college students in proximity to the presumed leak or leaks. It would be simplest for us investigate, and since we look as if we're supposed to be there, it would avoid risking the lives of anyone."

As all the investigators began discussing the details of L's plan, Light tried to understand what was happening with L's name. L couldn't have legally changed it one way and then back again so quickly, and the changes had coincided exactly with the beginning and end of the phone call. Hideki Ryuga had appeared to be L's name when he was playing that role at college.

Perhaps the name shown was whatever role people thought they were playing. Light was reminded of the birds named "Bird" and the dog named "Human." That must be what those creatures thought of themselves as. But, did Matsuda really think of himself as "Disco Master" even when at work? Most people displayed things that looked like real names, or portions of them. And, L knew he wasn't really Hideki Ryuga, so why did he think of himself as that while at college?

Thinking it over, Light became even surer that "Disco Master" could not be Matsuda's real name, and therefore asking about it couldn't draw any suspicion from L. And, Light needed to understand his new power as fast as possible. Trying to corner Matsuda secretly later would probably be more suspicious than asking about it outright.

Light could see that Matsuda wasn't really involved in the conversation the others were having. They looked as if they didn't take Matsuda seriously. Light sidled over to Matsuda and said, "Let's see if I can remember. Aren't you the one they call 'Disco Master'?"

Matsuda jumped slightly in surprise and then said, "Wow, Light! I didn't know you knew so much about me. Yeah, that's my nickname at a lot of karaoke bars."

So, nicknames could display, along with real names, portions of real names, and aliases. Plus, the name displayed could change. Light hadn't seen any name changes except in L, but then L was a man of many roles. However, only real names worked in the death note.

_What I need to do is to get L into the role of his real self, so his real name will display. How do I make L stop thinking of himself as a detective, or about his role as a fake college student, and just think of himself as a person?_

Light decided he'd be spending a lot more time with L from then on. He needed to be there when L's name changed to the correct one. He'd just keep trying out every name he saw in the death note while visualizing L's face, and there would be no more mistakes like there had been with the real Hideki Ryuga.

* * *

**A/N (Author's Note):**

Thanks to everyone who suggested a name for L's penis in this fic. I've made a selection, but it looks like you'll need to wait until chapter 3 to see it.

This was inspired by a prompt on the death note meme (not the death note kink meme, rather the non-kink meme) community on livejournal, and I thought it would be about PG rated, but as I wrote it, it turned out kinky. Since that meme is non-kink, I decided not to post it there.

Yes, yes, this is another procrastination fic. I had updated two of my in-progress fics ("Fifty Days" and "The Sugar Cube Fort") in just two days, and I was feeling worn out by the plot complexities and perfectionism I'm trying to instill into the next chapter of "Fever Dreams" so I happened to write this.

Never fear, I will busily get back to work on my in-progress fics soon.


	2. Chapter 2

**CHAPTER 2**

Light scheduled a meeting with L in the campus library to discuss their "investigation" plans for finding the leak. Light was mostly certain that L knew there was no such leak, but was simply using this activity to see if Light would do something incriminating. It was all part of L's investigation of Light. Well, Light could play that game too. It had always been that way between them. Light knew what L was doing, L knew what Light was doing, and both of them knew Light was Kira.

_But, L could never guess the new game I'm playing with him. He knows nothing about shinigami eyes, let alone discount shinigami eyes. He thinks I'm just playing the same old game._

They had picked a table in the middle of a large cluster of empty tables. Nobody could approach them without being seen. And, the library was built to deaden sound; people would need to be very close to hear their low voices. As far as anyone else was concerned, it was just Light Yagami and Hideki Ryuga, the two top students, hanging out just as they had on many other occasions.

Their constant closeness during the first few weeks of school, having all the same classes and everything, had been a subject of much gossip on campus, though it wasn't as true as it used to be. L was getting wary, skipping class a lot and making his movements less predictable. L was in fear of his life, but not enough to stop investigating Light from such a close vantage point; L was just mixing it up a bit. Well, if Light was correct, L was wise to be afraid. Light had virtually won with his latest move.

L opened a folder he'd been carrying in a delicate pinch of two fingers, and out spilled a bunch of documents about students Light had seen near him on various occasions. Each document was one page long and included a photograph, name, all contact information and a surprisingly large amount of personal information, including even guesses at who they'd been having sex with.

L said, "I'd like to discuss the top suspects today, the ones most likely to be the leak. Why don't you go through these and pick out the people who should be given a priority in the investigation."

Light shuffled through and removed ten of the documents.

L glanced over them briefly and said, "More than half of those match my selections."

L then went through the sheaf of papers and with deft movements of his fingers plucked out four more to add to Light's suggestions.

L said, "Light, you're the one with better social skills. You'll develop a plan for approaching each one of the top suspects, and then we'll investigate those according to your plans, either singly or together."

Light plucked one document from the 'top suspects' pile and said, "You should approach Kyoko alone for a date. She likes you and she's always following us around to get glimpses of you. If she's the leak, she'll tell you for sure."

"Good idea, Light."

"But, for these others, I'll need to go home and think up good plans. I assume I can take this with me?"

L pulled a piece of candy from his pocket and said, "Of course. I expect you to memorize all of it, not just the top suspects, by tomorrow."

"That will be easy."

L popped the candy into his mouth and hopped down from his chair as if to leave. He'd settled into his slouch and turned away with his hands in his pockets when Light said, "Ryuzaki, I'm not done yet. If we're going to be actively socializing with all these people instead of me doing everything and you standing off to the side with your finger in your mouth, we need to set some things straight."

L turned back and said, "Like what, Light?"

Light saw that L's eyes were glittering, excited. L knew something was up, and he was hot for the hunt, eager to add another piece of information to his growing picture of Kira.

Light said, "Sit down. We need to get to know each other better, have some long talks. We can't risk any of these people sensing that there is anything off about our friendship, especially if any of them happen to be purposeful leaks instead of accidental leaks. It is even possible one of them is actually Kira. The reason a lot of evidence seems to point at me could be because Kira knows me well enough to frame me, to waste your time with me."

"A lot of the evidence does point at you."

L made no mention of the framing theory, just a plain statement of facts. There were plenty of reasons why Light had been the only suspect so far. There was evidence but no proof. As long as L didn't obtain that elusive proof, he'd never be able to do anything, and soon he would be controlled and then dead.

As L hopped back into the chair and settled into a crouch, hands gripping his knees, Light said, "You already know everything about me, but I need to know more about you. I'm sure you're smart enough to tell me a lot of things about yourself without compromising your identity. You can tell me general facts with no details."

Light looked into L's round, super-dilated eyes and saw intense thoughts swirling there in the black depths.

_Yes, L. You know something is up, and you think you know what I'm trying to do, but you'll never catch on to my true purpose fast enough._

L said, "Okay. So, this is a bonding thing, then?"

"Yes. We need to become quite close before we can properly investigate most of these people. Why don't you tell me about your childhood?"

_When he was a child, he must not have thought of himself as a detective, or as any particular role. Then, he was his real self. I'll see his real name or, at the very least, part of it._

L began reminiscing. It was all very strange. Everything was completely devoid of names or places or any kind of detail that could anchor it, and mostly it involved sitting outdoors by himself, sitting in a room full of computers by himself, or reading books. Light's eyes were fastened to the space above L's head where "Hideki Ryuga" still floated.

Then, as L's eyes began to get a distant look in them, the name suddenly wavered and changed to "Uncle Fester."

Light barely held himself back from snarling and banging his fists on the table. That was obviously a nickname based on L's appearance. Sure, Light would try it in the death note just in case L really had a name so bizarre, but he didn't expect it to work. Maybe he was aiming for the wrong age.

Light said, "What about when you were slightly older than that?"

L started talking about his early cases, leaving out most of the details except what was already publicly known, and the name above his head changed to "L" once again.

Light said, "I already know about your life as a detective. What about when you were even younger than when the first stuff you were talking about happened?"

L started talking about a similar life of being alone and using computers and books much of the time. The name above his head changed to "Frog Eyes."

_Shit! Another nickname. I'm so close! How do I get him to think about his real name?_

In an even, quiet voice, trying not to sound menacing, Light said, "Do you ever think about yourself when you were really young, I mean, before you took on all of these roles, when you were just a kid with a normal name and you didn't hide it from anyone?"

L's name immediately changed to "L" as he perked up and said, "It would be just like Kira to be interested in my name."

_And, I pushed him into detective mode again._

Light forced out a laugh and said, "I only asked you to think about it, not to say it. If I were Kira and I could get your name by reading your mind, then I'm sure you've thought about it long before this and you would be dead already."

L probed at the corner of his mouth with a finger and said, "That is true. If you could pluck my name from my thoughts, there is no reason to believe you suddenly acquired that ability."

"So then, just think about it. It isn't a Kira thing; it's a buddy thing. It's what friends do."

In a suspicious tone, L said, "Buddies?"

And then, the talk continued for several hours. Light learned a lot of completely generic information about L, enough to almost bore him to tears, and he also suspected that a bunch of it was made up, but not once did a name appear that looked like anything other than a nickname. There were a constant parade of them, including "The Walking Corpse," "Vampire Boy" and "Mister Autistic."

Light resolved to try every single name in the death note, but he didn't have much hope. It was looking like L was still a mysterious enigma despite paying the price of a finger. Light kept at it as they investigated various college students suspected of being the leak, but nothing that floated above L's head ever turned out to be L's real name. L had a lot of aliases and nicknames, but he never once displayed his real name or, if he did, it was only part of it and therefore it didn't work to kill him.

Light found himself despairing about the idea that his discount shinigami eyes would ever allow him to kill L. The detective must not have any emotional investment whatsoever in his real name. It would never, ever appear.

As time went on, suspicion of Light was at an all-time high. The incident of killing Hideki Ryuga had made the entire task force wonder if Light really was Kira. And, the second Kira began sending videos and the task force analyzed every single one. Light didn't think the second Kira had found him at Aoyama, but she showed up on his doorstep one day, claiming to his mother and sister that she was a classmate who was returning a lost notebook to him.

As soon as Light's mother and sister closed the door and left him alone in the yard with Misa, she brought out her death note, Light touched it, and he glimpsed a shinigami standing behind Misa, a shinigami who later introduced herself as "Rem."

But, the first thing Rem said was, "Holy crap, he's got the discount eyes! Get away from him."

Misa said, "What do you mean, Rem?" and grabbed onto Light's arm like she was his girlfriend.

Rem groaned and said, "It's too late! You've caught it from him. Discount eyes are contagious to other death note users, and you can't get rid of them no matter what you do."

Misa said, "Can't I just give up the eyes and do the deal again to get regular shinigami eyes back?"

"It doesn't work that way. Both of you have them for life, no matter what you do. Even if you give up your memories, you'll still have discount shinigami eyes."

Light could only stare in shock. He'd taken the risk of going to Aoyama and trying to find the second Kira because he knew the second Kira also wanted to kill L, and he needed another way to find L's name. Now, the second Kira was useless, nothing other than a liability. He needed to kill her, fast, in a completely unsuspicious way. But first, he had to get her out of sight.

Light smiled sweetly and said, "Misa, would you like to come to my room?"

* * *

**A/N (Author's Note):**

The stuff with L's penis having a name is coming up soon.

And now, Light's lost the advantage of Misa. What will happen?


	3. Chapter 3

**CHAPTER 3**

As Light tried to sneak Misa up to his room unnoticed, both his mother and sister stopped him and he had to introduce his "girlfriend" to them and send his mom off to make tea for them. Light gritted his teeth in irritation. Would it be difficult to kill Misa discreetly now that family members had gotten a good look at her?

Well, she wouldn't have told her real name to Kira on the first meeting unless she was a complete idiot. So, she would be one girlfriend among the many he'd had, and once she was dead, as far as his family would know, he'd just stopped dating her. If they searched for a "Misa Amane" they wouldn't find a dead girl, or, if they did, it would be someone with the same name but an obviously different face. Light just needed to convince Misa to tell him her real name, and he could dispose of her easily, any way he wanted.

But then, he got a tremendous shock as they were climbing the stairs and Rem said, "Misa, I told you not to tell him your real name. Kira is dangerous."

Without any regard for them not being behind closed doors yet, Misa said, "Don't worry, Rem. I'm sure Kira is gentle with little girls."

Light spun around and hissed at her, "Be quiet! We need to stay safe."

Light's eyes darted down the stairway, and he was relieved to see nobody else within sight. Trying to put a sweet tone in his voice, he whispered, "I'm just concerned for both of us. Wait until we get to my room."

Misa nodded solemnly, and they went the rest of the way in silence. Light thought furiously all the way there. It seemed that "Misa Amane" really was her real name, and she was a total idiot, unless she was extremely smart and had set all this up in advance with her shinigami. But, either way, her shinigami was more cooperative than his own, and Rem sounded as if she cared about Misa. Having Misa's real name was good, having an idiot as the second Kira could be both bad and good, but having a protective shinigami was bad. Light needed to see how far this protective instinct went.

As soon as the door to Light's room closed, Misa confessed she'd fallen in love at first sight, she wanted to be used for any purpose Light saw fit, even if it killed her, and she wanted Light to hold on to her death note so she wouldn't get in trouble for having it.

Light endured her monologue with a fake smile on his face, all the time thinking, _This girl is completely crazy_.

Light knew she was useless in practically every way. She now had the discount shinigami eyes and could never get rid of them, so the only thing she could possibly do was to get him caught. Even if she gave up ownership and her memories, she'd keep her special vision and would probably blab about it to the investigators if they ever caught her. Misa was an idiotic ticking time bomb. Light knew he needed to kill her as fast as possible, but first he needed to test Rem's protective urges.

As soon as Light had placed both death notes out of reach, he had a long, serious talk with Misa about all the ways in which they'd need to be careful in order to not get caught. Specifically, not seeing each other at all or even phoning until after L's death. As Light had predicted, Misa threw a complete fit at the mention of not dating, throwing herself on the floor and screaming. It even attracted Light's mom to the room with the long-awaited tea.

Sachiko said, "Is everything alright in here?"

Light said, "Yes, Mom. Misa has fits like this all the time. It's a medical condition."

Sachiko nodded and withdrew from the room.

That's when Light launched his plan. He said, "Misa, didn't you say I could use you for anything, even if you died? Not dating until after L is dead is a measure to save both our lives. If you don't cooperate, I can kill you for it."

Rem was immediately standing over Light in a menacing way, saying, "Light Yagami, if you do that, I'll kill you."

Misa replied, "Even though it will kill you, Rem?"

Rem said, "Misa, you idiot! If you hadn't told him my weakness, I could have threatened him into the best course of action for you."

Misa pouted prettily and said, "Oh, Rem, I'm sure Kira is perfect in every way, so whatever he wants is best. Except not seeing me. That's unacceptable. Everything else is fine. Even if he decides to kill me right now."

Light said, "Rem, this is what Misa wants. She wants me to kill her right now, because she loves me and she's too stupid to not get caught."

Light leaned down, hugged Misa, and then looked directly in her face and said, "Isn't that right, my fluffy little snookums-princess?"

Misa leaned her head into Light's chest and let out a pleased cooing sound. She said, "That's right, Rem, I'm too stupid to avoid getting caught. Light should kill me right now, but you have to promise not to kill him afterwards, okay?"

Rem rolled her single eye, looked at Light and said, "Don't think for a moment I'll follow her wishes after she's dead. Misa is an idiot and nobody should ever follow her advice. Best of all, killing you after she's dead won't kill me, since I won't be extending her lifespan. If you betray me, I can kill you however I please."

Ryuk went into a tremendous giggling fit, and said, "Wow, you're in a bind now, Light. How are you going to get out of this one?"

Light said, "Rem, since you admit Misa's going to get caught, if you love her you really have no choice. You must kill L now."

Rem said, "No, since Misa's likely to get caught it would kill me to kill L now. The situation isn't yet critical enough for me to sacrifice my life. But I know you're a genius from all the information Misa looked up about you. You will think of a plan to kill L that will also save Misa."

Light narrowed his eyes as he looked at Rem. He really, really hated this monster. But, Rem was right, he was smart enough to defeat L even with the handicap Misa presented. The first thing was to control Misa's behavior. Then, there would be more time to figure out what to do about L.

Light looked down at the pretty, air-headed girl staring up at him, and said, "Misa, what you want most is me, right?"

Misa said, "Yes!"

Light said, "Then, if you got a lot of me tonight, you could wait two weeks so both of us don't die?"

Misa said, "How much of you?"

"I'll let you suck my cock."

"Weeeellllll..."

"Okay, okay. We'll have sex. But you won't get any more sex unless you wait two weeks to see me, got it?"

"Yes!"

In the next moment, Light was pushed to the ground and all the air was knocked out of his body, as Misa climbed on top of him and undressed him with such speed and skill that he wondered how often she'd done this before.

Light gasped, "You're not some kind of disease-ridden skanky whore, are you?"

Misa didn't answer, and in the next moment she had his length buried inside her and was riding him like a maniac, letting out what sounded like a stereotypical villain's laugh all the while. Light closed his eyes and tried to enjoy it, but he was really worried. Misa was incredibly dangerous, a worse threat than L, and she really did seem like a complete skank. There was something very creepy about her, with her stalker-obsession and her little-girl mannerisms combined with her dark gothic lolita outfit. Light was so worried that it was difficult to have his orgasm, and when he finally did, Misa rolled off of him, panting, with a very satisfied look on her face.

She giggled, farted, and then said, "Wow, Light. You're a great lover. You really last a long time."

Light traced a finger along Misa's naked thigh and said, "There's a lot more of that, if you'll hide away from me for two weeks. Otherwise, none at all. Will you be good?"

Misa half-closed her eyes, still looking blissfully stunned, and said, "Yes."

Light kissed the top of her head and said, "You'll go home now, because you want more of this."

Misa's eyes were glassy, and she didn't reply, but only hummed to herself happily as she dressed. Light thought she looked very satisfied, and he hoped that he'd successfully used Misa's greatest motivator to overpower her stupidity. Hopefully, the one was stronger than the other.

But, as Light watched Misa skip happily down the stairs and babble excitedly to Sayu and Sachiko about how she was now "very close" to Light, as if she wasn't even trying to hide the sex, he had his doubts. Then, Misa just had to stay for a little more tea, and go on and on about her amateur modeling career. Finally, Light was able to kick her out in the most polite way he could manage, but it still required firm hands on her shoulders actually pushing her to the door and a willingness to close the door while Misa was still talking.

Light's mother waited until a few moments after the door closed, and then said, "Light, are you sure Misa's... a nice girl?"

Light replied, "Sayu, Mom, can you not tell anyone about Misa? She's kind of a stalker rather than my real girlfriend, and since she's getting famous it could cause trouble for both of us if it gets out that she thinks I'm her boyfriend. You don't want the paparazzi camped outside our house, do you?"

Sayu said, "I was going to blackmail you into paying me to keep quiet, but I guess the paparazzi would suck, so I'll do it for free."

Light said, "Mom?"

Sachiko replied, "Yes, Light. I've always wanted your happiness, so I can stay quiet. But, if this girl is stalking you, you need to solve it soon."

Light giggled insanely and then said, "Oh, yeah, I'll solve it."

Then his hands flew to his mouth, covering it.

_Did I say that out loud?_

Sayu said, "Wow, Light, that was a really good Misa impression. You've got her giggle imitated perfectly, and she'd say it in that creepy way too!"

Light smiled and said, "That's what I was aiming for. When life brings us tough times, we've got to show some humor about it."

Light saw both his mother and sister smiling approvingly, though his mom still looked a little concerned. As Light ascended the stairs to his room, Ryuk said, "You know, Light, you're really lucky you're surrounded by idiots. Half your plans wouldn't work so well otherwise."

Light said nothing, but as soon as he locked the door to his room behind him, he said, "Ryuk, I've got two weeks to completely eliminate L as a threat. Maybe less if that airhead bimbo can't keep her promise despite the great sex I paid her with. But, I've got the perfect plan."

Ryuk said, "Amazing! So, what are you going to do?"

"Ryuk, have you seen L's penis? We've used campus bathrooms a few times together, but he always uses the stall. I think I've seen you go into the stall with him."

"Yeah, because it's so hilarious to see him use the toilet! He crouches on the seat in that stupid way of his, facing the wrong direction, regardless of whether he's doing number one or number two. It's one of the funniest things I've ever seen."

Light sat down on his bed and said, "Ryuk, what is the name of L's penis?"

Ryuk said, "Kenny G."

"Kenny G, like the musician?"

"Yes, spelled the same way and everything."

Light couldn't help but laugh a bit. What a freak! L was a tremendous freak in every imaginable way.

Ryuk said, "How does knowing the name of his penis help?"

Light said, "You don't understand how it is for humans. For a human male, there is something that's even worse than death: life without a penis. It's the perfect threat to hold over him. He'll have to obey me once I prove my power to him. This is the best thing that could have happened. I'll have L working on my side, forever."

Ryuk said, "But you've never seen his penis, so you can't visualize it while writing its name."

Light leaned backwards onto his elbows and gave out an insane cackle. He said, "I will see it, Ryuk. I will. From now on, my mission is to see L's penis. I'll prove to him that I can remove any body part I've seen by taking off his ears, and after I've seen his penis he'll be afraid to challenge me any more. Even better, he'll help me. It'll be Kira and L together, against the world, and L's penis will be the hostage."

* * *

**A/N (Author's Note):**

Well, Light is now on a mission to see L's penis. How will that work out?

I appreciate the many funny suggestions I got for the name of L's penis, and I selected yellowrose87's suggestion.

Soon, I'll introduce a bunch of canon minor characters: those who were in the background in the very few college scenes, people like Kyoko, the glasses-wearing girl who has a crush on L, Yasunaga, the captain of the tennis club, and some others who were unnamed but present in canon and have been named in some fanfictions (I'm copying the names of the unnamed ones, along with the last names of the ones without last names, such as Kyoko's best friend, from a great fanfic called "K is for Kyoko" written by limepickles. Go check it out! Isn't fanon great!).

Oh, and the way L uses the toilet is technically canon. It's from an official publication called "L File No. 15" that includes art, some comics, and a photo shoot related to the Japanese live-action movies. The same publication claims that L never showers or bathes and that he refuses to dress himself (Watari does it for him). I'm not sure if I want to accept that view of L's behavior as canon, but I couldn't resist using the toilet bit as part of crack fiction.


	4. Chapter 4

**CHAPTER 4**

The first thing Light realized was that to take off L's ears, he'd need to get a better look at them to be able to visualize them. Light knew the names of L's ears, but they were almost completely hidden in L's hair. It was almost like the guy didn't have ears at all. Light knew he needed to approach the subject casually. If he acted weird about seeing the ears, L might get nervous about the penis thing. There was an order to all this. First, see the ears. Then, see the penis. Next, remove at least one of the ears and threaten to remove the penis. That was the best plan. Anything that messed up that exact order of events might upset the entire plan.

But it was difficult. L had gotten very suspicious and flighty ever since the appearance of the second Kira. Task force meetings occurred without Light, so that wasn't a way to meet him. Furthermore, L switched the location of task force headquarters from one hotel to the next more frequently than ever before, he dropped the practice of investigating the supposed leak on campus that had led to the real Hideki Ryuga's death, and he stopped attending classes altogether. Light tried to call him and arrange ways to get together, but L constantly resisted.

Finally, Light called up L and said, "Ryuzaki, you're suspicious that I'm Kira, aren't you?"

"Yes, Light. I've told you about my suspicion."

"Well, I think you're being a really lazy detective. You're not investigating me at all! This second Kira is drawing all your attention away from me. Have you forgotten your duty?"

"Light, this isn't like you. What have you been getting at lately?"

Light said, "Ryuzaki, the only way my name can be cleared is if you investigate me thoroughly. I've seen the strain my father is under from all this. It isn't fair to him to stretch it out. And, if you investigate me more, then you can get closer to having that answer you want yourself. Also, if I were Kira, I would want to get closer to you and find out more about you, even if you found out more about me in return. Regardless of the situation, regardless of whether I'm Kira or not, we both benefit from spending time together while you investigate me."

L said, "I see your logic, but this is a very sensitive time in the Kira case. We can't know what the second Kira might do. If you are Kira, any meeting you try to arrange with me could be for the purpose of letting the second Kira see my face. I'm afraid it's too dangerous."

Light said, "Then we'll have this 'guy outing' on your terms, not mine. Figure out where we should go, or have us stay inside and watch movies or something, I don't care. If you're that paranoid, send a squad of guys in masks to tie me up, blindfold me, and haul me away to whatever unknown location you choose. I couldn't possibly do anything with the second Kira that way."

L said, "Okay. I'll have people to pick you up in fifteen minutes."

When Light put away his cellphone, he did a little happy dance, and then said, "Ryuk, I've essentially won. When I return home tonight, I'm sure L will be entirely under my power."

Then Light rubbed at his crotch. It was feeling a bit funny down there.

Ryuk said, "Ah, going on a date with him? I see you can hardly wait already."

Light glanced down at where his hand was still rubbing and said, "Don't be gross, Ryuk. I've been itchy there lately. Guys get crotch itches from time to time."

"Whatever you say, Light."

"Hey! This isn't a date! I'm entirely heterosexual."

"Yeah, I believe you," Ryuk said, "you're just going on a 'guy outing' to see his penis, and the thought of it makes you want to rub your own penis. Yeah, there's nothing sexual there."

Light tried to keep his hand away, but now that Ryuk had drawn his attention to it, he did notice himself itching between his legs rather frequently. He just couldn't get completely comfortable. Light made a mental note to ask his mother if she'd switched laundry detergents lately. Or, maybe he was just developing allergies to what she already used, and they needed to switch to a fragrance-free kind.

Then Light heard his mother and sister screaming, and the pounding of many heavy boots, swarming into the house and then running up the stairs. Could it really be? Did L actually take him that seriously on the phone?

_Yes_, Light thought, as a dozen masked men burst into his room, _L obviously took my suggestion completely seriously. He always does things in a big, spectacular way._

Light lay still as the guys pinned him to the bed, gagging him, tying him up and putting a blindfold on him. Then he felt many strong arms carrying him and heard his mother somewhere in the background, screeching at the police on the phone that her son was being kidnapped.

Light was stuffed into someplace, the sound of a motor started, and then he was driven around for a very long time. He could swear his captors were driving him in circles. They went around corners rather violently, always flinging Light's bound form to the side from where it lay on the... floor of a van?... and it seemed that right turns were far more frequent than they should be for any ordinary route.

Finally, the motor stopped. Light was carried out into the chilly night air, and then into a building. There were noises of doors and elevators and the barely-heard rumble of some far-away conversations. He heard a few exclamations of surprise in the distance, but nobody seemed to want to bother the big, burly guys carrying a bound, gagged and blindfolded teenager.

Finally, Light was thrown onto a bed. He tried to make some sound through the gag, but it was only the tiniest muffled moan that came out, and nobody responded. For a minute, Light wondered if this were perhaps L's idea of a prank, or a new kind of Kira test. Or, perhaps L was attracted to him and would rape him soon.

Then he heard some steps approaching along with a weird kind of slurping munch, and then, perhaps, licking? The noise was coming closer and closer, and there were no words at all, though Light was letting muffled grunts through the gag constantly now, doing his best to yell loudly. Whoever it was should realize enough to talk in this situation. It had to be L, that bastard.

Was L taking a lot of pleasure in the frightening silence, of not unbinding Light or giving him any answers?

Light started struggling on the bed as a surge of adrenaline moved through him. Shit! Perhaps L really was going to rape him! Why else would L do something this kinky? Then, Light felt a hand on his stomach, and clenched all the muscles in his body, fearing the worst.

* * *

**A/N (Author's Note):**

Well, I was planning on writing a chapter twice as long, but I just couldn't resist ending it here when I came to a cliffhanger ending.

L and Light are on a totally heterosexual "guy outing" that happens in L's hotel suite at night and involves a tied-up, blindfolded and gagged Light who is on a mission to see L's penis.

Is L really about to try something kinky, or is it all in Light's mind? After all, L was fairly oblivious to the kinky-looking things he did in canon until others pointed them out, and then he just didn't care.


	5. Chapter 5

**CHAPTER 5**

In the next moment, Light felt the hand undoing his bindings and then L's voice said, "I think you can handle it from here."

Light pushed with his arms, and felt the ropes slipping free. He pulled at them, undoing some knots in the process, and then pulled off his blindfold and removed the gag.

L was perched on the opposite side of the bed in his usual frog-like posture, holding a plate of cake that he was alternately munching and licking at.

Light said, "Why didn't you say something right away?"

"My mouth was full of cake. It's ice cream cake. Very good. It has alternating layers of ice cream and cake, but I need to put a lot in my mouth at once because it melts so fast."

With that, L used a fork to neatly stab out several more bites in quick succession and placed them all into his mouth, chewing vigorously. Light could see that L's name was "Frog Eyes" again, and he couldn't help but think it was appropriate, with L crouched like that and staring so hard with his huge, bugged-out eyes.

L finished chewing, swallowed, and said, "Do you want a piece?"

"No, I think we should do some social activities, get to know each other. Are we staying in?"

"Yes, it's much too dangerous for me to go out. We'll have to find something to do in this hotel suite. What do you think we should do, Light?"

Light suddenly had a very obscene image pop into his head of what two men could do to entertain themselves in a hotel room at night, and forcibly pushed that image out of his mind as fast as he could. It was all Ryuk's fault for being so suggestive! Light briefly glanced around for Ryuk, but saw no sign of the monster. Well, maybe he'd be free of Ryuk's sarcastic remarks for a while. Ryuk could entertain himself by watching TV or whatever in other hotel rooms.

Light said, "I think we should do each other's hair!"

L put one finger at his bottom lip and mournfully said, "But I like my hair. Besides, isn't that what girls do?"

Light said, "I won't cut it or perm it or anything you can't undo. You can get rid of it all as soon as I leave. We just need some rubber bands or something like that. You'll do my hair too."

L fished his cellphone out of a pocket and, delicately holding it near one ear, said, "Watari, we need a large supply of hair products of every kind. Can you get those quickly? Thank you."

L put the phone away and said, "It'll probably be twenty minutes until he returns. I think we should do what I want while we're waiting."

L hopped from the bed and began walking away without waiting for an answer. Light hesitated a moment, and then followed L out of the bedroom, finding himself going down some stairs.

Light said, "Ryuzaki, this hotel suite has more than one story? How big is it?"

L absently mumbled, "It's the size of a small house."

L was quickly disappearing around a bend of the stairs, and Light hurried to catch up, only to have the stairs open into a wide living-room-like area and with L nowhere to be seen. Light glanced around at the various doors leading out and tried to decide which to take, but then L was suddenly emerging from one with a tray that had a large teapot, cups, some scones, and a pyramid of neatly-stacked sugar cubes. L went to a coffee table and put the tray down, and then dragged chairs from all over the room and clustered them around the coffee table on every side. Were they expecting additional people?

Light said "What-"

But L said, "Just a minute. Soon I'll have it set up."

With that, L disappeared into another room once more, and when he emerged, he was loaded down with about a dozen stuffed animals and dolls. Light almost gasped in surprise. These were the first inanimate objects he'd seen with names. Sure, he'd seen food with lifespans representing when it would go rotten, but he'd never seen anything non-living with a name before.

L put each of the animals into a chair, leaving two chairs open. L hopped into one and said, "Light, I hope you like tea parties. Let me introduce my friends."

Light was so bored he barely listened to the names, but he did note they matched what floated above the toys' heads. Leave it to L to still be having tea parties with his toys when he was... how old was he? L would probably never say. He was too paranoid about his identity. And, asking would be bad. Light knew he needed to get L relaxed enough to bring out his penis.

First, they would play with each other's hair so Light would have an excuse to get a good look at L's ears without him thinking it was suspicious and getting scared. But, if L thought toy tea parties weren't weird, then Light could probably get him to accept other activities too, eventually leading up to the penis display.

Light settled into the other empty chair and said, "How do we play?"

"We drink tea, and we talk to my friends and pretend to serve them tea and scones. Hold the objects up to their mouths, but don't spill or get them dirty. I _will_ send dry cleaning bills to you, and I only use the most expensive cleaners."

Then L cocked his head to the side and said, "What's that? Sebastian wants to switch chairs with you. He says you're sitting in the highest seat, and that always belongs to him."

Sebastian was a green dog wearing a cowboy hat and cowboy boots.

Light got up, bowed, and said, "I'm sorry, Sebastian. Let me help you to your new seat."

Light switched seats neatly with the stuffed dog, and then poured some tea for himself. Light held up a scone to the mouth of a doll that reminded him of Misa and said, "Here you go, Mrs. Snookems. Aren't the scones fine today?"

L said, "Indeed. Watari has outdone himself in tracking down the very best pastries in Tokyo."

And then, L launched into a very complicated three-way conversation between himself, Light, and his toys, always telling Light what the toys had been "saying" and waiting for the right responses. The topics of conversation were particularly inane, including the nice weather, the yummiest kind of cookies, and inquiries as to how various events in the rather complex life histories of the toys were continuing to unfold.

After listening to one silent "story" L sighed unhappily and said, "It just upsets me so much that Roberta Carlos and Satan are getting divorced. I know they've had an unstable marriage for years, but I always kept hoping they'd pull through. I thought they'd stay together for the sake of their children, Mr. E and Frank and Rebecca Puddle-Splasher."

L looked so despondent that Light had a momentary urge to put his arm around the man's shoulders, until he realized how ridiculous it all was. L was getting worked up about an imaginary divorce between a fluffy red devil doll and a pink elephant, and mourning for the fate of a stuffed turtle, a Frankenstein doll and a calico duck with glasses and a hat. No wonder the guy had no friends, if this is what he considered fun. But L was taking it all very seriously, so Light tried to get into it and pretend he liked it so he could get on L's good side. Whatever helped L to relax was a good thing.

Finally, L finished off the last of the scones after having a long and heated argument with Shirley, a teddy bear in a frilly dress, about who could eat it. Once the food was gone, L decided the tea party was over.

L put away everything and said, "Watari placed the things we need on the table in the front room. How should we do this?"

Light said, "We should sit on a couch or something where I can sit behind you and play with your hair."

L began walking into the other room and said, "I want to do you first. Then you can do me."

Light sighed. He'd have to go along with it. So, before he knew it, he was sitting sideways on a couch, with L crouched behind him, and L was using his dexterous fingers to quickly braid Light's hair into dozens upon dozens of precise little micro-braids. Light held up a mirror and watched L at work, frankly astonished that hair as short as his own could be braided at all. Light carefully examined it from every angle. The hairstyle looked a tiny bit like dreadlocks, and it was exactly on the borderline between badass and completely ridiculous. Anyone who saw him would either be frightened or would burst into laughter.

Soon, L had finished and it was Light's turn to do L's hair. L shifted nervously under Light's hands. Perhaps nobody ever touched him. Light tried to calm L by brushing his hair for a while, and then he began using hair ties with sparkly knobs on them to put L's hair into multiple pigtails. If L were going to make him look silly, he'd do the same right back to L. In the process, Light was able to lift L's hair away from each ear and get a good look at them. Yes, he'd be able to visualize them well without seeing them again.

Just to drive home the point for later use, Light said, "L, you've got lovely ears."

L said, "Why, thank you, Light."

Light thought. He'd better only remove one ear. He had no idea whether removing the ear would take off the outer structure only or the inner structures too, and if he deprived L of all hearing, it would then be more difficult to communicate his threats. Yes, one ear would do nicely.

Light put the last hair tie into L's hair and counted the pigtails. Eight. That should just about do it. He'd achieved one objective, and L seemed relaxed. It was time to start working toward the other objective.

Light said, "Do you like it?"

"I think I will reserve my judgment until I use the big mirror."

L walked into yet another room, this one with scattered couches, television screens and video game equipment, and walked to the back to stare at himself in a full-length mirror.

L placed one finger at his lip and said, "Does this look nice?"

"I'm not a good judge of these things. You should wear it in front of others and see how they react."

"That is logical."

Light said, "Ryuzaki, I think we are at the point in our relationship where we should do some true male bonding. Something that all male friends eventually do with each other."

"What is that?"

"We talk about our penises and show them to each other."

L suspiciously said, "What you are suggesting sounds homosexual. Are you hitting on me?"

"No! I'm not interested in you that way. It's called 'comparing dick sizes' and guys always do it sooner or later."

L looked skeptical, but then he said, "I have heard of this 'comparing dick sizes' before. I can already tell you that mine is larger."

"Prove it!"

L shuffled uncomfortably where he stood and said, "No. Not yet. So, we're supposed to talk about our penises? What is there to talk about?"

Light thought fast. What could he say that would relax L and not seem homosexual?

"Well," Light said, "I'll tell you that my penis has a name. I named it 'Kenny G' after the musician."

L's eyes widened and he said, "Light, your thinking is frighteningly similar to my own. My penis is also named Kenny G. The smooth, sweet tones of his music caused my first erection."

Light couldn't help it. He burst out laughing. This guy got off on elevator music? L was a freak. A tea-party-loving freak. He probably had sex with those stupid dolls and stuffed animals too. Then Light tried to compose himself. After all, he didn't want to scare L or offend him, he wanted to relax him. But, as Light looked at L, he saw the laughter itself had calmed L. L just didn't get it when people were laughing at him, or he didn't care.

Light said, "Hey, why don't we bring out both of them and get a look?"

L said, "You first."

Light unzipped the front of his pants, pushed down his underwear and held his dick for L to examine. L took a few steps in his direction, tilting his head to the side quizzically, an analytical look in his dark eyes. Then L began backing up, looking upset.

Light said, "What?"

"Get that thing away from me. It looks like some kind of disease."

Light looked down, and saw some lesions on the side of it. Suddenly it struck him. Misa! She really was a disease-ridden skanky whore! Light was angry, but he tried to focus on his mission. He said, "Well, I've let you see mine, so now you have to let me see yours."

L said, "No" and backed up. Light was standing near the only door out of the room.

Light said, "Come on, Ryuzaki. I showed you mine. It's the rules that I must see yours now."

Light heard an odd clicking behind him and turned to see Watari, pointing a gun right at him.

Watari said, "Ryuzaki said no. I think it is time for you to go home."

Light said, "I'm just... it's the rules... I wasn't doing anything wrong..."

But Watari shoved the cold metal of the gun against the side of Light's head and used a painful grip on one shoulder to steer him through the suite and out the door. Light was left out in a hotel hallway by himself, having just managed to put his penis away before Watari shoved him out in public. He had to call home for a ride, and explain to his distraught mother than the guys who "kidnapped" him had been part of a prank by a friend, and everything was fine. Light's father picked him up, and when Light got home and walked in the door, he thought everything was over for the night, but it wasn't.

Right there, sitting at his kitchen table with his mother and sister, was Misa Amane. She'd returned before the two-week mark, despite the high price Light had paid to supposedly get her to stay away for that long.

Misa waved cheerily and said, "Hi Light! I was just missing you so much, so I had to come over."

* * *

**A/N (Author's Note):**

I used some unused suggestions for the name of L's penis in this chapter, for the names of L's dolls and stuffed toys:

Shirley and Mr. E - yellowrose87

Sebastian and Satan - icaughtkira

Frank - no one

Mr. Snookems - Remediation Anent Anechoic

Roberto Carlos - Tinuviel Simbelmyne


	6. Chapter 6

**CHAPTER 6**

When Misa got a good look at Light, she said, "Wow! Your hair looks really cool!"

Sayu was already trying to hold in giggles.

Why was Misa even here? Why hadn't Misa listened despite the danger to both their lives and being bribed with sex too? Even worse, his father had now seen Misa, so there was no hiding her existence from the task force any more. She'd be investigated, just like everyone Light associated with.

Well, Misa had been extremely careful with those videos. She hadn't left her fingerprints on them and she'd mailed them from random locations, and her death note was hidden away. In theory, it should be very difficult to get any evidence from her. But, if Misa were put in a situation where she had no choice but to get rid of her memories, she would still retain the bargain shinigami eyes and she'd certainly blab about what she was seeing. And, even with her memories and knowing the danger, she was an idiot. If she were investigated with any thoroughness, sooner or later, she'd probably let something slip.

Light knew he needed to find a way to kill her. She deserved to die just for the disease she'd given him, let alone everything else! But, Rem was in the way, and Rem was currently too stubborn to go after L on her own, so there didn't seem to be any way to dispose of Misa. Besides, the way things were going, there was so much suspicion surrounding Light that simply killing L probably wouldn't help at all. Getting L on his side was the proper way to go. With both of them working together, using all their intelligence, it would be easy to make Light seem completely innocent.

Light knew he needed another serious talk with Misa, but instead he had to introduce her to his father and socialize with her and his entire family for a couple of hours. Finally, he was able to get Misa alone in his room and lock the door.

Rem immediately said, "What is your new plan to save Misa? If you don't save her, I'll kill you."

Light quickly explained his plan to take L's penis hostage.

At the end of his explanation, Misa blurted out, "But, I don't want you to be trying to look at some guy's penis. Light should only think of Misa that way. What if you suddenly turn gay?"

Ryuk chuckled and said, "Maybe he doesn't have to turn gay."

Light said, "Hey! I told you that was just itching! And it was! Misa gave me some disease."

Misa squealed and jumped up and down excitedly. She said, "Oh, I was hoping you'd get my herpes! Now, Misa and Light should only have sex with each other. We'll be so close!"

Light suddenly punched Misa so hard she flipped over and didn't stop rolling until she came to rest against the wall.

At once, Rem was standing over him threateningly. She said, "You will never strike Misa again."

Light was panting hard. He said, "It's just... I couldn't help it. She purposely infected me! She didn't even warn me to use a condom or anything. Rem, why do you even love Misa?"

Rem shrugged and said, "I don't know. It must be purely physical, since it's hard imagining anyone being attracted to Misa's mind."

Light said, "It's... some kind of lesbian thing... across species lines... ewwww!"

Misa said, "Don't worry, Misa isn't a lesbian, and she wouldn't do it with gross monsters anyway. I'll be with you forever! You'll never get rid of Misa-Misa!"

Light said, "Misa, remember what I told you about sex? You broke our agreement. You returned too quickly, and now you might ruin everything. Stay away until I complete my plan, or both of us could easily end up dead."

"But, I don't want to!"

Misa crawled across the floor, trapping Light against a wall and grabbing his leg. She said, "I want more sex!"

"No sex for you!"

Misa screamed, "I want sex!"

Suddenly, there was knocking at the door, and Light heard his mother's voice say, "Open this door right now! There'd better not be any sex!"

Light sighed in relief. Saved by his mother! He hobbled to the door of his room, Misa still attached to one leg, and unlocked the door. As soon as he opened it, Misa let go of his leg, and, with his mother's help, they were able to finally argue her down the stairs and out of the house. They had to shut the door on her arguing face, and after a few minutes they stopped hearing her voice, and when they peeked out the windows to look, the yard was empty. But, over the course of the next hour, Misa kept suddenly re-appearing at the front door, which everybody refused to answer until she finally gave up and went home.

Light knew he was running out of time, so he called L the next day to try to arrange another 'guy outing' but L wasn't answering his calls. But it still worked out. Light had to go to campus and attend his classes, where he unexpectedly found L sitting on a bench, reading a book. Light was astonished to see L out in the open, considering how paranoid the guy had been lately, but L calmly explained that he was perfectly safe. If he died, then Light was Kira, since nobody else knew his identity as L.

Light was about to suggest some activity that would get them alone, so he could work up to the penis question again, but right then, Misa arrived and started being her hyperactive self. Light wanted to hit her again, but he didn't dare. Misa being around him and L at the same time would only lead to her being investigated faster! If she'd retained the real shinigami eyes, this would have been a perfect opportunity to get L's real name, but now it was just a burdensome annoyance.

Misa was like an itch. A very irritating itch, right in the crotch.

Light patiently endured Misa's babbling and L's fake claims of being her fan and the sudden gathering of students who recognized Misa, waiting for it all to be over. Now that he was with L, he needed to take this opportunity, and not let L get away again. Finally, Misa's manager came and dragged her off. The crowd began reluctantly dispersing, but most didn't go far.

L said, "We have the same psychology class next, don't we? Well, I suppose I should go to lecture once in a while."

Light fell into step beside L and said, "Afterwards, why don't we go to the cafe and get some cake?"

L said, "Mmmmm, that sounds delicious."

Just then, L's cellphone rang, and he fished it out of his pocket in that uniquely L-like way he had, answering it and then saying, "I see. It's done."

As L put away his phone and turned to talk to Light, Light had a sinking feeling that something horrible had happened. His feeling was confirmed when L quietly and calmly explained that Misa had been arrested, and listed the pieces of evidence that matched her to the Kira videos, including pollen, cat hairs, and cracker crumbs that matched those in her room, plus an ink that matched a pen in her room.

Light thought hard. It was all over unless he could win right away. Rem was useless. Misa would keep quiet for a little while, but she'd soon spill everything. He needed to convert L to his side, very fast.

Light said, "I need to use the bathroom. Will you wait for me?"

L said, "Of course, Light. I'll wait right outside the door."

Ryuk said, "Aren't you going to invite him inside and try to see his penis?"

Light said nothing. Stupid Ryuk, always trying to talk in public!

As soon as Light had privacy, he used the death note scraps in his wallet to control each event, planning precisely. Then he came out and saw L waiting, and Light also saw that his victims were already approaching. Light had seen many people he knew clustered around Misa just a few minutes earlier, so he knew they hadn't gone far and they could be summoned within the time he needed. Everything was going exactly as planned. Light walked a little further with L beside him, then stopped and made a call on his cellphone to L's cellphone.

L pulled the thing out of his pocket, looking at Light a bit quizzically, and then said, "Light, it's you! Why did you just call me?"

Light suddenly swung at L's cellphone as hard as he could, throwing his own cellphone at the same moment, sending both spinning through the air to land in the water of a fountain.

Light said, "I wanted to tell you something privately. I want you to hear the whole thing before you call anyone."

L backed up a few paces, and looked around suspiciously. Light smiled and looked at his watch. He said, "Hikaru Takeshi from the tennis club is walking this way. He's going to have a heart attack as soon as he walks past the last bench in front of the fountain."

L hissed, "Kira!" and he looked both horrified and pleased at the same time.

Light said, "L, don't you want to know my plan? Don't you want to know how much power Kira has? Kira can do a lot more than just kill with heart attacks. Kiyomi Takada is going to exit that building in fifteen seconds and commit suicide with a pair of scissors."

L was backing up steadily now, and looking around wildly. Light knew L wanted to snag someone's cellphone and call for back-up.

Just then, Hikaru Takeshi had a heart attack only a short distance away, in full view of L. Moments later, Kiyomi Takada exited a nearby building with a pair of scissors in her hands and stabbed herself in the neck repeatedly. Students all around were screaming, and a crowd was beginning to gather.

L said, "You don't have my name. You've made the wrong move."

"Oh, but I can do things to you that are worse than death. In fact, I will, in..."

Light checked his watch.

"...in fifteen more seconds, I'll prove it by removing your left ear."

L's eyes became much wider, and then he screamed as one ear neatly separated from his head and crumbled into a sand-like substance as it fell. Blood ran down the side of his head and he clutched at it. More students were gathering in the vicinity, but they hadn't yet figured out the focus of the activity. Most of them were still gathered around Takada.

Light dropped his voice and said, "I know the names of many students here. I won't take any more lives if you'll listen carefully to my plan."

"Okay."

Light heard a distant shout saying, "Oh my God, Light Yagami bit off Hideki Ryuga's ear! Did you see it?"

Light said, "I want you to join me, to steer the investigation in a way that will prove my innocence."

"Why, when I could arrest you right now?"

Students were beginning to gather, so Light moved in closer and quietly said, "How many body parts do you want to lose? I'll take your penis if you don't cooperate. I can remove it from a distance no matter where you go."

L said, "You're bluffing. You've made a big deal about looking at my ears but you failed to see my penis. I'll arrest you right now."

Light made a sudden forward lunge, knocking L to the ground, and in one swift motion grabbing the front of L's jeans and starting to unfasten them. He'd gotten the button loose and was starting to unzip when L shoved him away. L scrambled to his feet, trying to do his jeans, but Light tackled his knees and they both fell down in a flurry of limbs.

Light looked down at L struggling on the ground underneath him and said, "I will see your penis!"

As gawking students surrounded them, Light heard multiple shouted questions along the lines of, "What's happening?" and "What did he do?" being asked all at once.

Yasunaga, the captain of the tennis club, said, "Light Yagami bit off Hideki Ryuga's ear and now he's trying to rape him!"

Light saw Kyoko Nakamura, the plain-looking girl with glasses who always followed L around, though L seemed oblivious to her. She was fighting her way through the crowd, shouting, "Ryuga! I'll save you!"

In addition to her, Light also saw other students surging forward to break up the fight. This wasn't good. In a few more moments, it would be all over. There were too many of them.

Light shouted, "I'm Kira, and I'll kill anyone who interferes or even so much as makes a cellphone call. Who do you think just killed Kiyomi Takada and Hikaru Takeshi?"

Light knew he'd just have to kill all these people later. The important thing was to stop them from dragging him away from L's penis. The crowd stopped surging forward, and in the momentary lapse, L struggled free of his grasp. L wasn't able to run more than two steps before Light had tackled him again, and they were rolling around on the grass, Light constantly clutching at L's pants, and L trying to force Light's hands away and slip free.

But then, Light could see a few students still approaching to break up the fight, including Kyoko Nakamura. Even one extra person on L's side could give L the leverage he needed to escape with his penis still hidden.

Light said, "L, do you want me to kill your little girlfriend? Or all these other people? Tell them I'm really Kira and tell them not to interfere."

There were astonished gasps and exclamations all around from various students, saying things like, "It's L and Kira!"

L said, "Yes, Light is Kira. Don't approach unless he doesn't know your name or you don't mind losing body parts. He can remove anything he's seen."

Light was satisfied to see the various students backing off. Kyoko didn't approach any further, but hovered nearby with a helpless look on her face.

Just then, L kicked Light in the knee, got up and ran. Light followed, limping slightly, and then tackling L by grabbing his jeans, and this time managing to pull them down to his knees and form an impediment to travel. Light climbed up L's body, reaching for the top of L's boxers, but just then L hit Light viciously in the jaw and he almost blacked out. L slipped away again, running while holding his jeans and just in his boxers and long-sleeved t-shirt. Light pursued and the crowd parted for him in fear. He was still faster than L, and caught up to him quickly, but he saw L with a cellphone in his hands, frantically trying to punch in a number.

Light tackled L yet again, this time on the sidewalk instead of the soft grass, and the act of falling knocked the breath out of both of them, and it crushed the cellphone under Light's back. Light kept his grip on L, but he could only pant helplessly for a few moments. Then, they were a flurry of limbs rolling around once again, scattering broken electronic parts from the cellphone, the only difference being that L now had nothing except underwear on the lower part of his body, his jeans out of his reach.

Light was so close. He could feel it. There was just a flimsy layer of cloth in the way, and as soon as he snagged it, his Kira dreams would come true. He'd kill all the students who had witnessed this, or perhaps he and L would together come up with a plan that would make the entire event seem entirely irrelevant to Kira. The only important thing now was L's penis.

Yet, L was now fighting with an insane strength and determination. No matter what Light did, it seemed he just couldn't get L's underwear off, but he'd gotten a bloody nose and was sure he was covered with bruises, and he was getting tired.

Suddenly, Light heard the helicopter approaching. He didn't know what to think of it at first, and just tried to concentrate on pinning L, but soon it was landing right next to their fight and had discharged several people in masks with microphones. Light glanced at the logo on the helicopter. Sakura TV.

Then, a reporter was standing just beyond the ring of students, in front of a masked cameraman, saying, "Two people have already died, and students say the scene behind us is Kira trying to rape L. Anyone who interferes will be killed."

Kyoko shouted out, "Idiots! You can stop this since you have masks!"

The reporters made no move to approach the fight, but now Light's mind was racing. Could even L make an incident like this go away? What should he do? If he ran, he'd be just a fugitive and quickly cornered. No, he still needed L on his side to successfully run and hide, or otherwise he'd be hunted down in no time. Light grabbed and finally got a firm grip on the top of L's boxers. Just as he was about to yank downward, he felt a strong kick land in the middle of his back. Before he could get his breath back, he was tackled and knocked to the ground by someone who straddled his back and pushed his face to the sidewalk, blocking his vision.

Then he heard Kyoko's voice on top of him, saying, "Help me pin him! He can't see who you are now!"

And then, he felt several more weights landing on his back and legs, and many hands pinning his arms to his sides.

Light snarled, "I'm Kira! I'll kill everyone here!"

But the students didn't let up, and then Light heard L calling in back-up on someone's phone, and he knew it was all over.

* * *

**A/N (Author's Note):**

Well, I finally got to the chapter where I used a bunch of canon minor characters, most of which were never given full names in canon, but I snagged some full names from the fanfic "K is for Kyoko" written by limepickles. Go read that story, it's good! I really hope it will be finished.

This is not quite the end. There's an epilogue.


	7. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

Kyoko was so angry at Light, at Kira, for attacking her Ryuga. Was Ryuga really L? That's what Light said, but L was supposed to be some middle-aged man in a suit, not this slinky, wild-haired, dark-eyed young guy with the mesmerizing voice. Kira's threats stopped Kyoko for a little while; she didn't want to die or have her nose fall off her face. She'd seen Ryuga's ear seemingly jump from his head followed by a lot of blood, but it had been at a distance, and she hadn't been quite sure what was happening until Ryuga had said Kira could remove any body part he'd seen.

But then her fear didn't matter any more. As soon as Kyoko saw that Light really was about to win, about to yank off Ryuga's underwear, a surge of anger went through her and she ran up, kicking Light with all her strength in the exact center of his back. She didn't give Light any time to recover after the kick, but launched herself at him full-force, sitting on his back, pressing his face down so he couldn't see, and then she called in other students to help.

Once other students had pinned Light so securely that he couldn't possibly budge, Kyoko extricated herself. She still half-expected to drop dead at any moment just like Hikaru Takeshi had. Or maybe suddenly kill herself for no reason, like poor Kiyomi Takada. Kyoko had never liked Takada, stuck up "Miss To-Oh" who thought she was so smart but had no common sense, but now she felt incredibly guilty for not liking the woman after seeing her gruesome suicide. But Kyoko was still whole, still walking around.

She was stunned for a few moments, her thoughts unable to organize as she dully watched the chaos of panicked students and masked reporters all swirling around in a mess, and Ryuga standing off to the side talking non-stop on someone's cellphone, still with nothing on his lower half except his underwear. He was covered with dirt, grass stains and quite a bit of blood, and Kyoko thought that she'd never seen anyone who looked so much like a hero.

Kyoko looked around. Ryuga's shoes were nowhere to be seen, but she did spy his baggy jeans in a crumpled heap. She got them and then walked over to stand next to Ryuga, holding out his jeans helpfully. He was still busy giving orders on the cellphone, and after a few moments he tried to put his jeans on with just one hand, but it wasn't working well. He wouldn't let go of the cellphone though, so Kyoko helped him dress, blushing deeply.

They'd hardly even spoken before, but here Kyoko was, helping him put on his pants. In public. It was like a dream and a nightmare all rolled up into one. It reminded Kyoko of certain fantasies she'd had but... in public... that was going way too far for it to actually be a nice experience. Fortunately, Ryuga didn't act as if it were a big deal, or like he'd even noticed her. If he'd acted like a strange woman was helping him dress in public, it would have been ten times as embarrassing.

Then, one of the masked reporters was pushing through the crowd toward Ryuga, holding out a microphone, asking, "Is it true that you're really L?"

Kyoko jumped in front of the microphone and said, "Of course he's not L! L never shows himself. L wouldn't need to go personally to work undercover to become Kira's friend, not when there are hundreds of guys who work for him that L could send. If Kira thought Ryuga was L, then he's stupid!"

The reporter tried to push past her to actually get to Ryuga, but Kyoko kept blocking the way as well as she could, and a few moments later a large number of cops flooded the area. They were all wearing helmets like motorcycle helmets, with dark visors covering their faces. Some of the police restrained Light, gagging and blindfolding him while they put him in shackles and handcuffs, while others got rid of the reporters and then began to disperse the students.

Kyoko felt a panic rising in her. Ryuga had been working undercover - that much was clear - and now that the case had been solved, was this the last she'd ever see of him? Well, maybe not, there was still a second Kira out there, but surely both Kiras wouldn't be going to the same university, so he'd probably still leave.

But, when a cop tried to herd her away, Ryuga waved his hand dismissively, saying, "She stays for debriefing," and then he went back to talking to whoever was on the cellphone with him.

Finally, a black van with all-black windows pulled up and the back doors opened. Ryuga walked toward it still talking, and Kyoko trailed behind, feeling useless and out of place. Ryuga hopped into the back of the van with a monkey-like jump, and she followed more awkwardly, seeing an old guy with a mustache already in there. The inside of the van had padded benches along the sides, and various equipment hanging on the walls, including bulletproof vests and gas masks. There was a solid wall at the front to completely block off the driver.

Kyoko settled down exactly opposite to Ryuga, facing him, and the old guy immediately started attending to the wound where Ryuga's ear had come off, cleaning it and even putting a few stitches in. This was so... weird and cool and overwhelming all at the same time. Ryuga was an undercover agent of some kind. A detective? Could he really be L himself? Kyoko had said Ryuga couldn't be L to the reporter because if he were L, she wanted to protect him. But she wasn't sure. It could be either way.

It was true it didn't make sense for L to risk himself, but then L had risked himself already with that Lind L. Tailor broadcast, and maybe the greatest detective in the world did need to personally be on the scene to notice any subtle clue about Kira. Perhaps none of his underlings would be perceptive enough that they'd be guaranteed to catch every last clue. Perhaps the Kira case was so important, and so devious, that L had to attend to it in person. Maybe?

Kyoko studied Ryuga as he received medical attention from the old man. Ryuga was listening on his cellphone more than he was talking, and most of what he said gave Kyoko no clue of what was actually going on with the Kira capture. It was obvious that Ryuga had called in the police to secure the area and that Kira was being transferred somewhere, but, other than those two facts, Kyoko couldn't tell what events were happening. However, it did sound as if Ryuga were in charge of things.

Kyoko stared at him in a lovesick haze. She'd had enough problems imagining Ryuga was still in her league after she'd discovered he was apparently super-rich, but if he really were L... how... could it ever... but, no, she just couldn't give up.

Watching him drew her in irresistibly. Everything, from his more obvious mannerisms to the tiny subtle things, like the way his shoulders worked inside his shirt when he twisted in his seat, made her have such dirty thoughts...

Maybe Yuki was right. There was something wrong with her to like a guy who was full of characteristics that were usually considered unattractive, but, somehow, on him... and the way those characteristics combined... it was the total package that was interesting, not the individual parts. And, listening to him talk as well as watching him... hearing that low, thoughtful voice that was often close to being a monotone, but never a turn-off like a true monotone...

Suddenly, Ryuga dropped his cellphone and nearly fell off the bench. At first, Kyoko thought he was having a heart attack, that Kira had killed him in revenge. But then he recovered, picking up his phone with those long, delicate fingers, in that special way he held everything. His eyes were wider than ever and looked quite freaked out.

Into the phone, he said, "They do exist!"

For a time he was speechless, merely listening to whatever was being said to him. Kyoko was insanely curious about what, exactly, existed and was so surprising, but there weren't any more clues about what "they" might be. Instead, Ryuga listened and listened, and then said, "Tell it that too many people know the truth for it to be able to figure out who all of them are and kill them. It must negotiate with us."

Kyoko's heart beat faster. Ryuga was still under some kind of death threat! She wanted to find whoever it was and kick the shit out of them, but she was really just useless, sitting there on the bench in the van with nothing to do, wondering why she was even still tagging along. But, he'd brought her, and she'd never turn down an invitation like that.

Then Ryuga finished listening and said into his phone, "Then tell it we will negotiate for life in prison for both Kiras. They'll have a separate prison of their own. If we put them in with other criminals, they'd just get killed right away or raped constantly, so having their own prison is a requirement anyway. We can make it a nice prison, but they can't be allowed to leave."

Both Kiras had been caught! This was incredibly good news, but also bad. What could possibly keep Ryuga in the area now? Though, Kyoko felt immediately guilty. Had she actually wished people would keep dying just so that she could continue to have a slight hope of getting together with her crush?

A blush colored her face once again as she thought about what a dirty girl she must be, to wish others dead just so she could maybe get her hands on Ryuga.

After that, Ryuga listened for a long time, only making terse replies that held almost no information that Kyoko could use to form a clearer picture of the situation. During that conversation, the van finally stopped somewhere, and all three of them got out of the back of the van and went into an incredibly fancy hotel. Kyoko had expected they were going to a police station or somewhere like that, but then, L did have a reputation for hiding away and directing the police remotely... could it really be him?

They went into an elevator and rode it to the top floor, going into one of those large hotel suites of the type that have a whole bunch of rooms. It was just the three of them there, and then the old man went into another room and soon returned with a feast worth of snacks and tea which he laid out on the coffee table in front of Ryuga.

Ryuga started eating as he continued to talk on his cellphone. Kyoko eventually helped herself a little. It was about another hour until Ryuga was apparently satisfied and put away his phone. For a few moments there was just an awkward silence between them. Or at least, it was awkward for Kyoko. Ryuga looked as unperturbed as ever, with one finger gently resting against the corner of his mouth and an intelligent, thoughtful look in his eyes.

Kyoko said, "I thought you were going to a headquarters of some kind."

"No, these are my personal rooms. The case has been solved and I do not want to go near those monsters unless my presence is required."

"Those monsters?"

"Both Kiras borrowed their powers from supernatural creatures that prey on humans. I am curious about these creatures, but one of them is very protective of the second Kira, and I am not sure if it ever got a look at me. I would rather not die or lose more body parts."

Kyoko said, "Of course. That's what Light was trying to do to your penis, correct?"

"Yes. He was hoping to blackmail me into joining him if he could get a look at it."

Ryuga was so calm about it all, just talking about his penis as if it were any ordinary everyday object. Kyoko was jittery. He'd asked her to his hotel suite, and they were alone at the moment, and they were somehow talking about his penis. His penis! And, earlier, she'd helped him put on his jeans.

It all seemed like a dream, something full of bits and pieces of her dirty fantasies all mixed up with the utterly surreal, something she would wake up from at any moment.

Kyoko said, "I know you can't be named Hideki Ryuga. What should I call you?"

"Ryuzaki."

"I'm Kyoko Nakamura. You can call me Kyoko."

Ryuga... no, Ryuzaki, said, "I know you. You were one of the people often seen near Light, so you were investigated in... considerable detail."

Something about the tone in his voice made her wonder just how much detail had been involved. Kyoko tried to put those thoughts out of her mind. They were hot and a little disturbing all at once.

She giggled nervously and said, "And I'd thought you never noticed me."

"I noticed you. I'm a detective, after all. But if I'd shown the slightest interest in anyone, that person could have become a target for hostage situations or other unpleasantness."

Did that mean... that he might have shown an interest if he hadn't been working undercover? No, no, that was probably just desperate hope, trying to read too much into his words.

Ryuzaki said, "Do you think I'm L?"

Kyoko said, "I think so."

"Yes, I am L."

"You agreed too easily, and you're trying to make me think you agreed too easily. So, that means you're the real L but you're pretending to be a fake L who is pretending to be the real L."

Ryuzaki said, "Maybe that's just what I want you to think, and I'm really a fake L."

Kyoko replied, "No, anything more complicated than the reasoning I gave would be too difficult to pull off, because nobody can be expected to really think that far. And, anything simpler would be too risky for revealing your identity. But, there's a reason you're asking me this, isn't there?"

"Yes. L is always interested in employing people who are quick-thinking and as brave as you. You risked your life to save me. Regardless of whether I'm the real L or not, I'd like your help in shaping rumors on campus so that I don't seem to be L. That video went to a live broadcast and there's no way to destroy it now."

Kyoko fidgeted with her hands in her lap. She said, "I don't really know anything about spreading gossip. I don't talk to any of the big gossipers on campus, and if I suddenly approached them it would seem odd."

"Students will come to you, and they'll believe you, since, other than Kira himself, you're the person who spent the most time paying attention to me. Anything that is believed by most of the students will eventually make its way into the media as an accepted truth. And, I know a professional conman who can coach you in exactly what to say and in what kinds of situations until you're perfectly prepared. You'll do a great job, Kyoko."

"Well," Kyoko said, "then, I accept the job."

"I know you're prudent with spending, but I do need to ask that you don't buy anything obvious with your pay. It would be best not to raise any suspicions, even slight ones."

"Yes."

Kyoko's head was spinning. Pay? She would be perfectly willing to do the job for free. Did that mean he was her boss now? Would she see him again? Maybe even frequently? Hope was surging within her, and she tried to tell herself that she was being too optimistic, but she just couldn't help imagining all sorts of things in their future. Various naughty thoughts were entering her mind, and she was blushing again.

Ryuzaki said, "What are you thinking?"

Kyoko laughed and said, "I was just thinking about all those stories where one person saves another person's life, and then that person who was saved belongs to the one who saved them."

Ryuzaki said, "But you saved my penis instead of my life. Are you trying to suggest it belongs to you now?"

"Wow, the conversation keeps returning to your penis."

Ryuzaki poured some tea, put the teacup in her hands and said, "We can talk about anything you want."

Was this a date? It seemed like a date. They were eating and talking. Kyoko opened her mouth, and her whole life story was quickly spilling out, along with her opinions on nearly every topic she felt strongly about. She was blabbering on and on, feeling kind of foolish and awkward but the words just kept coming out, and Ryuzaki didn't seem to mind at all.

He listened, really listened, with a focus and a perceptiveness that seemed incredibly detective-like, and he made lots of short comments interspersed among her long-winded ramblings. Nearly everything he said was brief and to the point and sounded rather intelligent. She couldn't help but love him more, and feel that she was foolish, and that he was out of her league in so many ways.

Then, after about an hour of tea and crackers and little cookies and even some slices of cake, one for her and three for him, Ryuzaki had the old man take everything away. He carefully licked the frosting from his lips, then gave her an intense, hungry stare with his round, dark eyes and said, "Would you like to make out?"

Kyoko wanted to launch herself into his arms with a squeal and dry-hump him into the floor, but instead she simply got up and sat down on the couch next to him, saying, "Yes."

Ryuzaki turned to face her in that awkward crouch of his, and she leaned in close, but his knees were badly in the way. He didn't know how to make out at all. She wordlessly pushed at his legs, arranging them into a better position, and then they were suddenly together, their hands on each other's backs, their legs tangling so that they were almost sitting in each other's laps at the same time.

Ryuzaki initiated the kiss. His hands on her back felt hesitant and inexperienced, but his kiss felt like he'd had lots of experience and perhaps even training of some kind. It was wet and wild made her forget how to breathe as he did unbelievable little tricks with his tongue and lips and teeth all at once, incredibly hungry and eager.

His tongue slipping in and out with such skill, it was just so insane, and Kyoko was leaning into it, their bodies rubbing together, his arms curling around her, clinging to her like some kind of monkey. She was dimly aware of his cellphone jutting awkwardly against her knee, but she just kept pushing against his body, needing to touch and press, developing almost a rhythm to their wriggling.

Suddenly he said, "Wait," and started to pull back, but then he was shuddering in her arms, and Kyoko could only look at him in horror and try to figure out what she'd done wrong. Did she brush against the place where his ear had been severed, or some other injury? Perhaps a sensitive bruise?

He said, "I'm sorry, Kyoko. Your knee. It was so sudden, I didn't anticipate it. I suppose you think I'm a pervert now."

Then Kyoko realized that his hard cellphone had gone soft, and she looked down, and saw just where her knee was - not where a cellphone would be lodged in a pocket, but right in the middle of his crotch. _She'd made him come in his pants_. She could feel a burning red blush moving over her entire face and neck. Somehow, everything was ridiculously over-sexualized tonight. They'd gone from barely speaking to each other to him being in his underwear and her helping him dress and lots of talking about his penis and now participating in something that was almost like having sex, at least from his perspective.

Ryuzaki put one finger to his lip and looked at her, not really ashamed at all from his expression, but rather a bit wistful, as if he'd seen a delicious cake that was about to be taken away from him. Kyoko was frozen in place. She didn't know what to do. The shame was eating her up and yet she was also really pleased that something remotely resembling one of her fantasies had happened, and that she could provoke that kind of reaction in him, but she didn't know if acknowledging it as okay would be the right thing or would only lead to trouble. The thoughts were not moving through her mind very clearly at all.

He said, "Have I ruined our date? Am I a pervert?"

Kyoko said, "No, no! It was an accident and I... I should have been more careful about my knee."

"Do you want to keep kissing?"

Kyoko hesitated. She really felt like a pervert herself now, but she did want to keep touching him, and she certainly didn't want him to think she was rejecting him for this. But, she needed to know exactly how things stood.

Kyoko said, "I'm not going all the way. Is that fine?"

Ryuzaki said, "I wouldn't want to have sex soon in any case. A lot of planning needs to be done for that stage. Just to start, we'd need to prove to each other that we don't have diseases. Those things are everywhere."

With that reassurance, Kyoko gathered him into her arms again. He was really relaxed, all soft and drowsy and cuddly, his limbs feeling limp and loose. His kisses did not have that hungry edge any more. This time, she made sure to be aware of just which body parts she was rubbing up against, and there were no more accidents. He became so pliable and languid that she almost thought he was about to go to sleep. He didn't seem inclined to disengage, but his movements became slower and slower. It was incredibly comfortable. His relaxed body fit perfectly against all her curves.

When Kyoko had satisfied herself as well as she could without a little special alone time, she carefully untangled herself and then they discussed the details of her employment. When Kyoko got home that evening, she could hardly believe how much things had changed in less than a day... Ryuga was now Ryuzaki, who was probably L and most certainly an undercover agent, and he'd had an orgasm in her arms, and Kira was no longer taking victims, and everything had become perfectly upside-down from normal, so extremely weird.

But, she was happy. When she got a glimpse of herself in a mirror, she had a look on her face that was incredibly stunned and deeply blissful at the same time. If she couldn't get rid of this face before Yuki saw her... Yuki would be certain she'd had sex.

* * *

**THREE MONTHS LATER...**

Ryuzaki had Kyoko up against the wall. She knew how much he loved it like this. He really was a pervert, but she didn't care, it felt good, incredibly good, and she was learning to be less embarrassed about it. His jeans and underwear were only pulled down to his knees, and he'd pushed her skirt up and ripped her panties completely off, and he had her pinned tightly between his body and the wall, supporting her weight with his hands on her hips and the wall behind her, but also using gravity to thrust into her deeper and harder.

His breath was coming in pants that were quickly turning into grunts, and then only two minutes into the procedure his little problem suddenly overwhelmed him. Premature ejaculation. He was working on it, but it still happened more than half the time.

Ryuzaki shuddered in her grasp, twitching inside her, and then he was pushing her further up the wall. He was so incredibly strong for someone as slender as he was. He easily pushed her upward, threw her legs over his shoulders, and began eating her out with as much skill as he'd ever put into a kiss.

He always made up for his little problem with lots of oral sex. His tongue was amazing, sliding deep within and massaging every outer part of her genitals in quick yet firm strokes that seemed to be everywhere at once, swirling and licking and rubbing in _exactly_ the right way. Kyoko was gasping from the pleasure, completely undignified, her eyes nearly rolling back up into her head.

She was blushing, being pinned against the wall so intimately with her skirt pushed all the way up and her panties actually ripped into two pieces that were lying on the floor and that busy tongue of his eating her with an eagerness that was startling every time she saw it, like she was the best desert he'd ever tasted in his life and he was starving to death.

He had no shame at all, and even though she liked what he did, often she couldn't keep the embarrassment from creeping into her face. Still, even with her red face, and the feeling that she was somehow being very naughty, it didn't stop her from coming six times over the course of twenty minutes. He didn't let her down from the wall until she gasped, "No more... please... cuddle."

* * *

**MEANWHILE, AT THE KIRA PRISON...**

Misa shrieked, "Liiiight! I know you're horny! You've been walking around with a boner!"

Light blinked in irritation. Why did she always have to interrupt his jogging around the track in the outdoor yard? But, she was right. He had an itch he couldn't get rid of on his own, and it wasn't just the herpes she'd given him. He needed sexual release, craved it, even though he tried not to admit it to himself. Still, anyone other than her would have been more appealing. Light sped up his jogging, but Misa caught up to him easily. Rem was drifting behind Misa on her bony white wings.

Rem said, "Misa is not satisfied unless you do something sexual to her on a regular basis. You must give her sex more often. Otherwise, I'll follow you everywhere and poke your shoulder constantly. I don't need to sleep."

Light looked around. Several guard towers were in view. Guards were always watching, and there were security cameras everywhere. It didn't really matter where they did it. Light walked off the gravel of the track to a spot on the lawn that was cushioned enough and lay down.

He let Misa undress him. He really wasn't that enthusiastic, so why should he do any work? He let her ride him as well, thrusting and panting above him. He closed his eyes, shutting out her face, trying to conjure up an image of a different woman. But, as so often happened these days, Light couldn't get thoughts of _him_ out of his mind. The image of some other woman often flickered and changed, being replaced by L riding him, L gripping him in his tight hole and sliding up and down on his cock deliciously.

Light tried to banish the thought, but deliberately trying NOT to think about it just brought it back stronger each time, until Light could almost see L's slender form on top of him through his closed eyelids, the man holding one long, elegant finger to his lip and looking down at Light in a quizzical way as he slid up and down Light's shaft. Light was so hard, so sensitive, wanting to be buried inside L over and over.

And then, when Light came, it was all he could do not to yell out "L" at the moment the intensity reached its peak and exploded within him.

Unfortunately, in the next few moments Misa started talking, and that completely ruined it. Light resolved that his next great scheme would to figure out how to make sure Misa talked less.

* * *

**A/N (Author's Note):**

Well, this epilogue turned out to be a lot longer and more lemony than I originally thought. Hope you like it. Yeah, I guess this is another Light punishment fic. Spending a lifetime with Misa is pretty severe punishment. Especially if you're secretly gay for L.

I haven't seen any other LxKyoko sex scene in fan fiction, even though, ironically, LxKyoko pretty much is a canon pairing.

(Edited to add: Actually, I have seen another LxKyoko sex scene by now. There's one called "Fulfilling Fantasies" by natanilik on livejournal which is really good.)

Sure, LxKyoko is one-sided in canon, but then, canon LightxMisa is technically one-sided as well (especially in the first arc of canon). The advantages LightxMisa has over LxKyoko is that Misa is actually a main character, not a super-minor character, and that despite the one-sided love, LightxMisa interaction is obviously established in canon, even to the extent of eventually having sex (it is not clear whether L and Kyoko even talk in canon, though she is in basically all the college scenes, standing in the background ogling L, so he must have been familiar with her presence, and since he's very perceptive and observant, he must have realized she had serious hots for him).

I suppose you could compare LxKyoko to the more popular MelloxHalle pairing: both are one-sided relationships established in canon, and both involve a main character and a minor character. However, canon L has no use at all for Kyoko, while canon Mello does have a use for Halle.

I hope I succeeded at fleshing out Kyoko's character here, and that she doesn't seem too different than what little we see of her in canon. This is crack fiction, but it's not the same level of crack as my fics where I randomly throw in time-traveling Ide and other completely oddball stuff, so I'm trying for some realism in character behavior even if the events surrounding those characters are cracky.


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